"I read this article and couldn't believe my eyes so I ripped em out, gave em a nice cleaning, and put em back in but the article didn't change. I was tempted to rip out somebody else's eyes and try again but then I saw this adorable bunny that I had to kill. Poor little thing didn't know what hit him but I did cause it was my van. Okay so it wasn't MY van, it was the kid's van down the street and it wasn't a van it was a playground but the bunny is the important thing. All white and red and dead all over. What was this about again? Oh yeah the article.
I suppose what really got to me the most was the awesome picture of me on the front page. The mask really does make the man-iac doesn't it? The second thing was the porn ads on the side of the article. After about 3 or 4 hours I actually read the article and it was even hotter than those ads. Probably need to set a few things straight though other than those LGBT (wtf does "Q" stand for?) people you keep ranting about.
First of all I don't have a beard. I can't grow one with my face being all freaky like it is. But wouldn't it be awesome? I can almost feel my imagination taking over about beards...
ugh. Why am I so old in my imagination? That beard isn't sexy at all. I look all Gandalfy. Butt fuck it. I'm not a superhero, girly. I'm Deadpool, the Merc with a Mouth. Merc stands for mercury. Like the planet. Or the weird cool stuff in old thermometers. So I'm definitely not a superhero. I AM super obviously but I don't think superheros kill for money. And I like money.
Also, I am NOT a racist. Most of my victims were Canadians even. I kill people regardless of race, gender, species (some of the people are weirdly shaped and spotted white and black. Make for awesome bbq's though), shoe size, or what they play on their newfangled walkmans. Unless it's Katy Perry. I LOVE Katy Perry. Then they must die so I can own their Katy Perry.
'You shot me down, but I got up,
Already brushing off the blood.'
When did the boy scout in blue join Marvel? Cause if he's around my chance at joining the Avengers just tanked harder than Miley's self-respect. You can't beat a superhero at being a superhero when his name literally has SUPER in it. As for Antman, well I haven't seen his movie since he's not relev-ant (see what I did there?) yet. Don't worry, Avengers 3 will be here soon and you can shrink down to the size of Wolverine's pee-pee all you want.... Did I just hear a *SNIKT*?
And did you call my ninjaswords fucking ninjaswords??? They're kittentatas damn it! And you're right I have no superpowers. I have ULTRA-BADASS HEALING FACTOR POWERS! *Breakdance break!*
I will admit to being wrong about making fun of Rosie O'Donnel. We really shouldn't poke fun at such a courageous and highly talented manatee such as herself. Learning to talk is a hard accomplishment and she almost has it down.
Anyways this has been a blast but I gotta go kill a bunch of secret agents at the homeless shelter. Oh one more thing, boycott the movie if you want. I already got paid mothafuckas!"
-As dictated but not read by Wade Wilson to the tied-up author